Holy shit. 7 months have gone by without a single post from me. I really have to stop doing that.
So much has happened since my last post. Obviously my first car wreck Jan29. Then the day I get it out of the body shop the engine burns up. Insurance company says it was my fault and not from the wreck. Okay.... forked out $6500 for a new Audi A4 engine. Took a while to get my car fixed but once I get it back in March it's running like new. I mean the thing just screams down the road. So I took it for a little test drive after I got it back. A quick over the point of the mountain and back right? Wrong. I flipped around in Lehi and started heading North. I noticed that all the cars in the left lane were slowing down so I moved over to the HOV lane. There was a small fender bender which people were all slowing down to watch. I didn't give a shit and kept driving because my lane was clear. Next thing I know I hear this big BANG and a BMW to my right clipped something. After I glanced to my right I turned back to look ahead when out of nowhere this Acura was spinning and spun into me head on. Holy shit! It felt like my teeth were being yanked outta my head and someone had just taken a sledgehammer to my chest (seatbeat). For some reason my airbag didn't deploy. Probably would have hurt a lot more if it had. So my 30 minutes out of the shop car looking sweet and running even sweeter was just smashed head-on. Took me a second to realize what the hell had just happened to me. I was in a daze. I remember a police officer walking over to me and asking if I was okay. I just nodded my head but then the realization that my car had just been fix and now was likely totaled after I had just forked out $6500 for a new un-insured engine made me sick to my stomach. Well, it was a mix of anger and sickness. I managed to kick open my crumpled door and stand there looking at the carnage that spread across the entire freeway. At that point the police hadn't been able to shut the freeway down so cars are just flying by flinging pieces of broken cars all over the place. Eventually the freeway was shut down and it took 7 people to push/drag my car to the shoulder of the freeway because the tow trucks hadn't arrived yet. I had to pee really bad so I jumped the barrier and climbed down to the trees and took a leak. When I had climbed back up most of the tow trucks had arrived and were loading all the cars. I think there were 7 in a total of two wrecks. My tow truck came from SLC so it took the longest which left me sitting on the barrier talking to the cops about how I viewed the wreck. Eventually my tow truck got there and took me to Hertz for yet another rental car. The accident was ruled that it wasn't my fault. Thank God. I called everyone and told them what had happened and at first no one believed me. Well, the body shop fixed my car in a decent amount of time but when I drove it out of the body shop (again) the engine started on fire and blew up. I was like, no fucking way is this possible. Come to find out that my insurance adjuster didn't look to see if the engine sustained any damage from a HEAD ON COLLISION and the engine (which I still owe like $5000 on) was toast. At least the insurance covered it this time. So it took from the middle of March to July 2nd for my car to be drivable again. Between the insurance company and the auto shop there were so many screw-up's that I almost went insane. I partially did because by then my renters insurance on the car I was driving was used up. I had to move back home because of the amount of money I was spending on rentals and the engine. So I was commuting from Springville (almost 100 miles a day) instead of the 5 miles from living closer to my job. 7 months of this year just about caused me to have a mental breakdown. I lost all focus at work. I had a fuse that was 1/4 of an inch long. Just some bad luck/karma. By the time I got my car back I wasn't even excited. I wish they would have just totaled the thing.
July came and went. I turned 30 on July 21. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Now I'm an old man that gets heartburn from retarded insurance companies and body shops. It's August now and I wish I could say that things have improved but on the outside they may appear to have improved but in the last 7 months something inside me has changed. Yeah, I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and put on my mask for that day but that's all it is. Just a mask to cover how I really feel. And that's the thing that really kills me. How do I really feel? I feel like I'm just a robot. I'm living to breathe. But why? Inhale, exhale. Wake up, go to bed. Go through the motions. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've spent months and months bottling up everything. No writing, blogging, video blogging or anything. I've become nothing. I have no fight left in me. Have I given up? Have I lost all hope that things can and will get better. But what is wrong? There should be nothing wrong with me but why do I feel like there is? Until I figure out what is going on in this complex head of mine I'll continue to mix and match my masks so I appear like a regular person.
~mbh signing off...
