Accepting the things I cannot change...
It's been sort of a rough day today. I found out that someone I'm really close to that was in Highland Ridge with me relapsed recently. All through the year I've seen and heard about people relapsing and it's never been that big of deal. I've accepted the fact that people make their own choices, good or bad and there isn't anything I can do about it. But it still hurts when someone you love and care about makes a bad decision.
I learned this at Highland Ridge one night. There was a fellow patient there named Jen who was the same age as me and in the rehab center for the same reasons I was. She had been in there for about 4 days in which she had been detoxing. Detox is the worst part about rehab. It's about four to six days of the most agonizing pain imaginable, physical and mental. Jen had almost "hit the wall". When you "hit the wall" you are almost done with the worst part of the detox. This usually happens on your 3rd or 4th day. After you have hit the wall the pain starts to ease up and the drugs are almost out of your system.
When Jen arrived I took her under my wing and we became close. I understood what she was going through because I had just went through it myself, so it was easy for us to relate. I knew she was in pain and withdrawing hard. After about 36 hours she started talking about leaving the center to go use. I kept convincing her to stay but on her fourth day she couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed all her belongings and checked herself out. I remember walking her down the hallway begging her to stay and trying to explain to her that she was almost done and that things would get better. She promised me that she was only going to use a little to ease the pain and that she would check back in the next day. I knew that was bullshit. She had called her dealer to pick her up. Once we got to the doors where I couldn't pass I watched her walk out into the parking lot and get in her dealers car and they drove off. That was the last time I ever saw her. It tore me up to see her go.
For some reason I felt like I had failed. I don't know why I felt that way but I did. It was her choice even though we both knew it was the wrong one. To this day I don't know what happened to her. There were rumors that she OD'ed and died but I never verified this.
After that night I started accepting the things other people did as long as they didn't directly affect me. From then on I would only worry about the choices I made. That didn't last long.
There was another time that I felt like a complete and utter failure. That was the day I heard that Sara was dead. I felt like I had failed again. Honestly believing that there was nothing I could have done has been a big challenge for me, but I'm starting to learn that no matter what you say or do people will and have every right to make their own choices, good or bad. The only person you have complete control over the choices they make is yourself. You can influence others but ultimately the choice is theirs. Once I realized that, it made things a bit easier but it didn't take all the pain away.
I learned this at Highland Ridge one night. There was a fellow patient there named Jen who was the same age as me and in the rehab center for the same reasons I was. She had been in there for about 4 days in which she had been detoxing. Detox is the worst part about rehab. It's about four to six days of the most agonizing pain imaginable, physical and mental. Jen had almost "hit the wall". When you "hit the wall" you are almost done with the worst part of the detox. This usually happens on your 3rd or 4th day. After you have hit the wall the pain starts to ease up and the drugs are almost out of your system.
When Jen arrived I took her under my wing and we became close. I understood what she was going through because I had just went through it myself, so it was easy for us to relate. I knew she was in pain and withdrawing hard. After about 36 hours she started talking about leaving the center to go use. I kept convincing her to stay but on her fourth day she couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed all her belongings and checked herself out. I remember walking her down the hallway begging her to stay and trying to explain to her that she was almost done and that things would get better. She promised me that she was only going to use a little to ease the pain and that she would check back in the next day. I knew that was bullshit. She had called her dealer to pick her up. Once we got to the doors where I couldn't pass I watched her walk out into the parking lot and get in her dealers car and they drove off. That was the last time I ever saw her. It tore me up to see her go.
For some reason I felt like I had failed. I don't know why I felt that way but I did. It was her choice even though we both knew it was the wrong one. To this day I don't know what happened to her. There were rumors that she OD'ed and died but I never verified this.
After that night I started accepting the things other people did as long as they didn't directly affect me. From then on I would only worry about the choices I made. That didn't last long.
There was another time that I felt like a complete and utter failure. That was the day I heard that Sara was dead. I felt like I had failed again. Honestly believing that there was nothing I could have done has been a big challenge for me, but I'm starting to learn that no matter what you say or do people will and have every right to make their own choices, good or bad. The only person you have complete control over the choices they make is yourself. You can influence others but ultimately the choice is theirs. Once I realized that, it made things a bit easier but it didn't take all the pain away.
posted by mbh at 2/09/2005 01:01:00 AM
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