Kindness is my weakness...
I have something gnawing at me that I need to get off my chest before I explode. Yesterday before I was getting ready to leave work I was talking with someone and they had a blunt observation of me. He said that he had seen me work and talk on the phone and had observed that I am always going out of my way for people and that I kiss everyones ass. He wasn't trying to be rude but it came across that way at first. He said he always sees me doing nice things for people and how I always go out of my way to help or be nice to people but yet no one ever returns the favor. He said he has heard me on the phone and the way I interact with my friends and people that call me. How I am always asked for help and that I never say no. He asked if I'm always this nice? What's funny is this isn't the first time someone has observed that I freely let people take advantage of me. He said that when someone asks me for help I drop everything I'm doing to help them but the times I ask for help I get brushed off. I know of the times he was referring to. He asked me when the last time someone did something nice for me without me asking or even when I had asked. I couldn't think of a single time yesterday. So of course I got all defensive and said that people get busy and I don't need people to be doing stuff for me. But it has been eating at me. I've been thinking about it non-stop. I do put myself out there. I can never say no when people need my help. I sacrifice myself all the time for what? What do I ever get in return for being so nice all the time? I've been thinking hard of the last time someone went out of their way to be nice to me (besides on my birthday) and only two things really stick out in my head: when my long time friend bought me a burner for copying him all my music and another long time friend bought me a movie ticket. They weren't asked or expected to do those things but they did them anyways which is cool. But come to think of it those two people have never taken advantage of me. Like real friends should be.
I think about all the stuff I do for people. Strangers and friends alike, people I interact with everyday and I really do a lot for people. I'm too nice. Do I feel that I need to be nice to be accepted? No, I just treat people how I want to be treated. But do they ever treat me the same way I treat them? I'm bothered by all this. Why do I sacrifice my time, my feelings, my money, my help and my support when I very rarely get anything in return. It's not that I require people to give me something when I do something for them, but I need to figure out where the line between being nice to someone and being taken advantage of is. In rehab they talked a lot about the "emotional bank". How when people are constantly making withdrawls and never depositing anything it will have a negative affect on you. They say you will become emotionally bankrupt if no deposits are made.
I lie to myself a lot. I bury my feelings and always try to put on a happy face.
I'm angry and depressed and I'm the only one to blame. I try to be an ass and I try to say no but it isn't in my nature. Why do I always focus on what other people want instead of what I want? Why does everyones happiness matter more to me than my own? Why do I give a shit what people think of me?
Shouldn't I be the most important person in my life?
-mbh signing off...
I think about all the stuff I do for people. Strangers and friends alike, people I interact with everyday and I really do a lot for people. I'm too nice. Do I feel that I need to be nice to be accepted? No, I just treat people how I want to be treated. But do they ever treat me the same way I treat them? I'm bothered by all this. Why do I sacrifice my time, my feelings, my money, my help and my support when I very rarely get anything in return. It's not that I require people to give me something when I do something for them, but I need to figure out where the line between being nice to someone and being taken advantage of is. In rehab they talked a lot about the "emotional bank". How when people are constantly making withdrawls and never depositing anything it will have a negative affect on you. They say you will become emotionally bankrupt if no deposits are made.
I lie to myself a lot. I bury my feelings and always try to put on a happy face.
I'm angry and depressed and I'm the only one to blame. I try to be an ass and I try to say no but it isn't in my nature. Why do I always focus on what other people want instead of what I want? Why does everyones happiness matter more to me than my own? Why do I give a shit what people think of me?
Shouldn't I be the most important person in my life?
-mbh signing off...
posted by mbh at 8/29/2006 09:25:00 AM
12 Comments:
Is kindness a weakness? If you do something for somebody and you get nothing in return what have you lost?
You need to find out why you are being kind to people, is it merely because you want something in return? Then it's not really being kind is it? You're just doing something to achieve a certain result.
If you are genuinely being nice to people because that's the way you are, then why recriminate yourself? That makes you a very decent human being. If others are taking advantage of that then they are selfish - and that is their misery.
It really depends on why you are being nice. If you are being nice because that is what you really want to do then keep being nice. If you are being nice because you are afraid to say no or worried that people won’t like you then you need to stop. One thing I learned is never do anything for the wrong reasons. Doing things for the wrong reason never turns out right.
I'm just a naturally kind person. I believe in the so called "golden rule". Treat people how you would like to be treated. By being kind I open myself up to be taken advantage of. I'm not kind because I want something out of it. I just want people to be kind in return. Instead of becoming a doormat for favors.
I found your site because I am preparing a bible based talk on why true kindness is not weakness and I've stumbled across your site.
Matt 7:12 is the golden rule and it really does work, but sadly in our world today most people don't even think about these guiding principles - 2 Tim 3:1-5.
Have joy in the fact that you are doing the right thing by being nice to people. And remember kindness is not weakness, unless you are using it to excuse bad behaviour etc.
You are an inspiration by your kindness.
Help is called help for a reason the point is doing something for no instant gratification, sometimes it take a long time for people to see the good that are you doing, my father taught me that when you help others it come from somewhere else not the people that you help,people that don't return favors are not able to help you in return in most cases,do not be a doormat, some people take your kindness as a weakness.
In my opinion giving comes from the heart as long as those same people do not keep on asking for a favor more than a few times, it comes a time in a place that it is not wrong not to want something in return.
Remember as a person you are responsible for all your actions, you have a choice to say yes or no.
There are people who are considered good people. And there are people who are rotten good people.
Good people help when help is truly needed.
Rotten good people help regardless because they can't say no or they willingly let others take advantage of them. It's not because they want to help... just that they can't help themselves.
If you are kind to others and not to yourself... that is also unkind.
Sometimes, we have to be cruel to be kind. For example, if we continue to help a brother who gambles and gets into debt all the time... he will get into debt more often thinking of you as a security net. He will only learn his lesson when u reject him, gets into trouble... and climb back up on his own. You will be doing him a favor by rejecting him early... if not, it will be a snowball that might kill him later.
It is wiser to teach people to fish, then hand them fishes.
But if you really enjoy helping others and have the ability and time, and you know your help does them good. You are a great person. An admirable one. =)
If resentment sets in, have courage to reject helping... don't fall to the dark side.
I'm not that kind but i don't expect anything out of my help for friends.. but i've recently encountered the same problem u're having and getting really upset over it.. thinking over and over why i'm always saying yes to everything.. Today i finally told one of them but it didn't quite worked out.. Oh well so much for the favours i did in the past..
Wow,I can totally relate. I feel like a doormat. I have every intention to say NO and then someone will get me to say Yes. And then I get angry because I am doing something I do not want to do. There have been times when I have watched 3 different neighbors homes, fed their animal while their on vacation and I am busy working. I never ask them for anything. I really don't mind and expect nothing in return. But I feel they just expect me to say yes and I do.
My Sister in Law wants me to cut her elderly Mother hair. But she want me to drive an hour to do so and it takes an hour to cut. This is after working all day. That makes for long day. If I say I have to work, she will say,"When are you off"? I am very busy on my days off playing catch up...I have a family. Her kids are grown and she does not work outside the home. I said I wouldn't mind, but could you please bring her to my house for a hair cut. Well she made every excuse in the book (made me feel guilty) and of course I said YES and I was very frustrated about the whole situation. Sister in Law didn't appreciate it, just expected it and wants to make her life easier.
What do I say next time she calls and maniupulate me?????? Any suggestions. I have had it with people. I do not want to be mean, but me being nice seems to bring out the worst others. Thank you!
Excellent Post, and Excellent Question to think over and good answers, the truth remains, We all have CHOICE and it comes from trusting one's own indentity to be or not to be of such a situation which arise... good and after consequencess is something which we are not in control off. Still Expectations is something which we get carried, and root cause of suffering, if there is no guilt and no expecation from anyone and for your own actions. you are a better person... merely you don't need anyones approval nor disapproval, the decision is yours and you are happy for those outcomes, learning is always good, but learning from those mistakes makes our life more meaningful, you should not teach everything to everyone, and everyone should not be behaving the way we think.
I cannot believe that we have EXACTLY the similar situation ! I can feel your pain..
Sometimes I question myself why I need to be so nice to others when they don;t appreciate , and that hurt me so much. I wasn't expecting anything in return only hoping that people around me would be happy and they can spread these kindness to the people around them to make this world a happier place.Also, I believe in karma. So when people are unkind to me, I will tell myself that maybe in my previous lives I have hurt them and so in this life, I have to go through what they have gone through to clear my karma debts. Well, some people may said that Im in self-delusion and I should wake up my ideas, stop being so kind others. It's a horrible thing. Just because you have been hurt before you close your heart. How terrible it is if nobody believes in kindness and acts selfishly?? So yeah, think it in a positive way and don't ever stop to be kind to others =)
Reading this post 3.5 years later, have you turned from your "self-less" nature?
Post a Comment
<< Home