Bright day, blue skies and a sunroof...

Today would have been the perfect day but I had to get a speeding ticket. It was totally random and lame but oh well. I got a ticket for 30 mph in a 25 mph zone. I had no idea that the street I was driving down was only 25 mph, I was just moving with traffic and got zinged at random. I had no idea the cop was pulling me over at first and when I realized it I thought it was because I didn't have a front license plate, but sure enough it was because I was speeding. Since I'm almost off probation I'm not going to raise a stink about it. No sense coming this far and blowing it because of a minor speeding ticket. So I'll pay the $50.00 for traffic school so it won't show on my record and my insurance company won't find out and move on.

Other than that it was a bright sunny day that allowed me to roam around with the sunroof wide open. It makes me giddy with joy to hear the turbo whine when I hit the gas. ;) Tee Hee!

I'm in serious need of a break from work. I've been working way too much. Saturdays, Sundays, holidays, nights, whenever! Not that I hate my job, I love it and it keeps my mind from other things (drugs/Sara) that could be bad to think about. But I need something else to busy myself with other than work. I would just take some days off but I would end up working part of the day anyways. Hell, even when I'm sick at home I'm still doing something work related. There is no such thing as a day off. So I need to plan something to do. I don't know what yet but I'll think of something. Work is going great though! Amoung all the work and stress is fun and potential. All the hard work of all the employees is going to pay off in the end.

It's taken some time but I actually buy things for myself again. I don't know why but for the last 10-12 months I've had a hard time spending money. I would feel really guilty and scared when I did. I don't know why but I think it might have something to do with the fact that when I was doing drugs you only spent money on drugs and had to steal everything else. You were also always on your last buck and never knew how you were going to get more money. So I guess there's a little part of my brain that is scared that I won't get any more money and I shouldn't spend it, which is retarded.

Over the last couple weeks I have bought a stack of new Playstation 2 games which I enjoy very much. Plus they were used and I got a sweet deal on them.

4 PS2 games for $40 bucks! I got Wipeout: Fusion ($5.00), Devil May Cry 2 ($11.00), Castlevania: Lament of Innocence ($11.00) and Silent Hill 4: The Room ($14.00). Castlevania is sweet and that I what I've been playing mostly.

I also bought a new music CD which was weird because I already had this album in mp3 (even though I can't listen to mp3's in my car). I bought Paul Van Dyk - Reflections (2003) which is a great album and I suggest that everyone either download or buy a copy of this CD. Even if you don't like techno I think you will like at least half of the songs on it.

There is one song on this album which I completely love. If any one song could sum up the last year of my life it would be this one. Download the mp3 here.

-Time of Our Lives

There's a time for us to let go
There's a time for holding on
A time to speak, a time to listen
There's a time for us to grow

There's a time for laying low down
There's a time for getting high
A time for peace, a time for fighting
A time to live, a time to die

A time to scream, a time for silence
A time for truth against the lie
A time for faith, a time for science
There's a time for us to shine

There is a time for mixed believing
There's a time to understand
A time to hurt, a time for healing
A time to run, and to make a stand

Oh this is the time
Of our lives...

-Paul Van Dyk

Accepting the things I cannot change...

It's been sort of a rough day today. I found out that someone I'm really close to that was in Highland Ridge with me relapsed recently. All through the year I've seen and heard about people relapsing and it's never been that big of deal. I've accepted the fact that people make their own choices, good or bad and there isn't anything I can do about it. But it still hurts when someone you love and care about makes a bad decision.

I learned this at Highland Ridge one night. There was a fellow patient there named Jen who was the same age as me and in the rehab center for the same reasons I was. She had been in there for about 4 days in which she had been detoxing. Detox is the worst part about rehab. It's about four to six days of the most agonizing pain imaginable, physical and mental. Jen had almost "hit the wall". When you "hit the wall" you are almost done with the worst part of the detox. This usually happens on your 3rd or 4th day. After you have hit the wall the pain starts to ease up and the drugs are almost out of your system.
When Jen arrived I took her under my wing and we became close. I understood what she was going through because I had just went through it myself, so it was easy for us to relate. I knew she was in pain and withdrawing hard. After about 36 hours she started talking about leaving the center to go use. I kept convincing her to stay but on her fourth day she couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed all her belongings and checked herself out. I remember walking her down the hallway begging her to stay and trying to explain to her that she was almost done and that things would get better. She promised me that she was only going to use a little to ease the pain and that she would check back in the next day. I knew that was bullshit. She had called her dealer to pick her up. Once we got to the doors where I couldn't pass I watched her walk out into the parking lot and get in her dealers car and they drove off. That was the last time I ever saw her. It tore me up to see her go.
For some reason I felt like I had failed. I don't know why I felt that way but I did. It was her choice even though we both knew it was the wrong one. To this day I don't know what happened to her. There were rumors that she OD'ed and died but I never verified this.

After that night I started accepting the things other people did as long as they didn't directly affect me. From then on I would only worry about the choices I made. That didn't last long.

There was another time that I felt like a complete and utter failure. That was the day I heard that Sara was dead. I felt like I had failed again. Honestly believing that there was nothing I could have done has been a big challenge for me, but I'm starting to learn that no matter what you say or do people will and have every right to make their own choices, good or bad. The only person you have complete control over the choices they make is yourself. You can influence others but ultimately the choice is theirs. Once I realized that, it made things a bit easier but it didn't take all the pain away.

Winter marches on...

I'm getting sick of winter. Last Saturday it was so nice and sunny. I got to drive around with my windows down and only had to wear a light jacket. Then it snows! I've never been a big fan of winter. It's okay from November to December if we get some snow but that rarely ever happens anymore. It just gets bitter cold. I don't like that it gets dark so early either.

Thanks to Shadoi for hosting this blog and my other web stuff. I've created a page that has some pictures on it in case anyone cares to view them. You can access that page here.

The soundtrack of my life...

So here it is, almost 5 am and I'm still awake. Shouldn't have slept all evening. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for about 3 hours doing pretty much nothing. I've been going through my massive mp3 collection and just randomly been listening to the music I have collected since 1996. It's more than a collection of music, it's a collection of memories. It's nothing short of amazing how music is attached to memories.

For example:

Throw on the Leftfield - Leftism (1995) album and it brings memories of driving to Blockbuster Video with one of my best friends, Cody. We rented Playstation games to burn (Phillips 2x!) copies of them for my newly modded PS1. He had recently bought his first VW Jetta and gotten a new subwoofer for it. We had the music blasting and the windows down. It was a beautiful sunny spring day in 1997. We spent the rest of the evening playing Raiden DX and drinking Mt. Dew in his parents basement. (remember that Cody?)

A completely random memory brought back to life by music.

This is the time... the time of our lives.

-PvD

12 Long Months...

Well, it's been one year. One year since I was admitted into the Highland Ridge rehab center. I've managed to survive 12 months. It's been a long year but a good year. I've finally started my life again. I got rid of my truck and bought something different. That truck, as much as I loved it, was part of a life I'd rather forget about. My last tie to my former self. It was a good change.

I bought a 2oo1 Volkswagon Jetta Wolfsburg Edition, Galatic Blue. It has the 1.8T engine in it which is pretty zippy. 0-60 in under 8 seconds, not too shabby. It also has the racing suspension which is quite fun when ripping through neighborhoods (hello Mr. Officer).

For pictures of what the car looks like click here and here. For more pictures go here.

My new life is in full swing and I'd have to say I'm extremely happy. Happier than I've been in a LONG time.

I am going to be speaking to the patients at Highland Ridge now that I’ve hit my year mark. I went up there last night. It was weird seeing the people in there. I remember how it was and I wanted to help them. They all looked so haggard and tired but there was something about their eyes. You could tell that they were thinking more clearly, you could see the pain and sadness also. I remember what that felt like and I just hope I can help any of them that want to listen. I hope that by seeing me and what I've accomplished that they can take comfort in the fact that you can get through it. You hear so much about statistics and odds and it leaves you feeling hopeless, but you don't have to be a statisic if you don't want to.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

-Charles Swindoll