Everyday was exactly the same...

Impressive. That's what I think about Nine Inch Nails new album [With_Teeth]. I really like it. Especially the song “Everyday is the Exactly the Same”. I swear that song is about being a drug addict. The first time I heard that song I was like "Whoa! That is exactly how it was when I was on heroin." Maybe it's just a figment of my imagination because when people hear a song that touches them they try to relate it to their life or past experiences no matter what the artist was actually writing about. Anyways I really enjoy that song. Lines like:

I think I used to have a purpose, but then again that might have been a dream,
I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound.

Everyday is exactly the same, everyday is exactly the same.
There is no love here and there is no pain.
Everyday is exactly the same.

I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end…

That is just how I felt. Day in and day out until the end.

People tell me that I talk and think about drugs and that part of my life way too much and wonder why. Because it WAS such a huge part of my life and had in part made me what I am today. It won't always be like this. Twenty-five years down the road I'm not going to be sitting around thinking about that part of my life all the time. But for now it's still fresh, the wounds are still healing and I'm still trying to get used to "normal" life (whatever normal is supposed to be). I still think about Sara, the drugs, the pain, the people, the cold nights sleeping in my truck, rehab. To say that I have no regrets would be a lie. I can't change what happened but I still think about the "what ifs". Sara's death still hangs over a part of me. I think about her almost everyday. I have regrets... but you know, that's just a part of life. No one makes all the best decisions the first time around or even the second.

Wounds are still healing...

All in my head part two...

So I wake up this morning feeling horrible. Last night I had the most vivid dream about being in rehab that I have had since actually being in rehab. It was mainly about my first two weeks in rehab when I felt like shit and things were terrible. It was so real! So real in fact that when I woke up this morning I half expected to be laying on the plastic mattress that was my bed in Highland Ridge. When I woke up my body felt just as it had when I was in rehab. I was having shortness of breaths, couldn't get warm, head pounding, body aching and cold sweats. My therapist in rehab told me that I would occasionally have *using* dreams after rehab. I haven't had a using dream since May of last year. I don't even know if I could even classify this as a using dream since I wasn't actually using any drugs in the dream; I was recovering from them.

*A using dream is a dream about using drugs and when you wake up your mind tricks your body into thinking you have been using drugs and you actually feel the withdrawing symptoms as if you had actually been doing drugs the night before. Crazy I know but using dreams are very real.*

When I have had using dreams the affects usually wear off by the afternoon but it still sucks feeling that way and having to deal with urges to go and get high. As every heroin addict knows once the sickness sets in it's like a knee jerk reaction to go get high. Even though the way you feel after having a using dream is a fraction of the misery you go through withdrawing cold turkey.

Well enough about that, it's all in my head anyways.

It's April and the weather is getting nicer and nicer. Daylight savings was the other night so the days will be longer which is always a good thing.

I need to get back to work.