Raining on my parade...

Talk amongst yourselves while I collect my thoughts…


It’s raining outside. Pouring perfectly I might add. It’s raining outside and in. By in, I mean inside me. The drive to work was a long one. The clouds lay low in the color of dull steel as sheets of rain pelted the pavement. The valley blanketed in gloom. A blanket I gladly wrap myself in. The rain streaked up my windshield like upside-down tears. With that thought I kept my wipers in the “off” position. Probably not the smartest thing to do in a rain storm but the way the "tears" streaked up my windshield was mesmerizing. What a depressing day. Depressing day; depressing thoughts. At least I can take comfort in knowing that though it may be cloudy, raining inside and around me, that like all storms, this will pass. The sun will shine again. But for now… let it rain and pour. It fits... perfectly.

I stopped at the grocery store this morning on my way to work. For no other reason than to delay the inevitable work day that was about to ensue. I walked around the store but didn’t buy anything. As I was walking back out to my car I stopped for a moment letting the rain accumulate on my glasses and jacket. I spotted a stray dog wandering through the parking lot in the rain; its fur soaked. The dog stopped and stared at me for a moment. I smiled in the irony of the whole situation. It was fitting for how I was feeling at that moment. Poetic even. A cold, wet, lost soul wandering the world alone looking for something but not knowing what. I finally arrived at my car and got in. When I turned the key to my car the music from my iPod was still playing. I had forgotten to turn it off. It was a song by Filter called Never Be the Same and the lyrics at that moment where: “I’ll never be the same again.” I laughed as more irony revealed itself. I was standing knee deep in irony. When I finally made it to work my feet were heavy as I walked into the building. I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up to the top and sighed “Here I go again.” With that I took one foot and put it in front of the other. Not much else I could do at that moment. So here I sit at my desk. Rain beating down on the window writing this.

The sun will shine again…

-mbh signing off…

Thoughts on a napkin...

Chasing more than life...

I write this as I sit at a table in Hennessey's Tavern in Las Vegas, NV. I'm writing this blog on a napkin. Cool huh? I thought so. I love writing. Finally Angela and I got to see each other after a long tortureous month of being apart. It was so nice to see her as I walked into Hennessey's late last night. A sight for sore eyes. Very sore. We had a wonderful night last night. No more (and I mean NO MORE) going a month without seeing Angela. I want and need her way too much. Plus I get nutty after about three weeks apart. So no more of that. Period.

So, I've been sitting here at a window table watching people walk by going about their Saturday night. Chasing a million different lives. Most people appear to have no where to go and nothing to do. Wandering around aimlessly through the semi-ghetto downtown of Vegas. Many drunks, bums and street rats. As I was sitting here watching the crowds a person appeared at my window speaking I assumed to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman. Just an extremely overweight obese person. As quickly as they appeared at the window they were gone. Moments later the person was standing at my side by the table. Weird? Totally. In a soft barely audible voice the man/woman? asked me if I was going to eat my unfinished chili-cheese fries. WTF? Okay, this weirded me out. I said "No" and the person snatched the plate and wandered outside to sit and eat the now cold leftover chili-cheese fries. I mean it was roughly one in the morning.

Beggars, drunkards and partiers chasing whatever broken things they chase. Las Vegas is a depressing town to me. I didn't always view it this way. I mean this downtown Vegas. Depressing. The trash, the lights, the sounds, the people, the filth. Oh well. One thought I constantly have while watching these people is "Better them than me." I'm glad my life has somewhat of a purpose and some meaning. Even though those purposes and meanings are sometimes vague. There are times when I feel that I too am wandering around aimlessly through my own life. Life has so many twists, turns and winding roads that I guess it IS okay to wander aimlessly if it brings a happiness and positive engery to yourself.

-mbh signing off...

The man in Memphis...

Greetin's from Memphis, TN...

I'm ready to PASS OUT! It has been such a long day today. I woke up at 4:oo AM after tossing and turning to put on a tie and catch a flight out of SLC to Memphis with a layover in Cincinnati. The company I work for needed me to come out to Memphis to do some special testing on one of our products and to help out one of our partners do some clandestine stuff. Clandestine, no shit! Being involved in the forensic field sometimes requires you to do clandestine things. I just like saying that word, clandestine! One more time for the people on the back row... CLANDESTINE! Okay anyways, I caught my first flight no problem. Hell, I was there almost two hours before my departure. I must say airports have changed a lot since I last flew in October of 2001. Ticket kiosks, taking shoes off, anal cavity searches... okay I made that last one up but still things have changed a lot. I tried to sleep most of the flight to Cincinnati but the flight was choppy and everytime I almost fell asleep my head would get jerked to the side. Plus the plane was full and I was in a middle seat so I was scrunched. When I landed in Ohio I had a forty minute layover before flying the last leg of the journey to Memphis.

Side note: I hate the Cincinnati airport. It is the worst laid out airport I've ever been to. My first experience with the Cin Airport was when I was back east doing a Java Certification for IBM and I was flying on my way home I had a layover in Cin. To make a long story short I had to run the entire length of the concourse from one end to the other only to have them change my flight to the gate I arrived at. So I had to run (bags, laptop, coat and all) back to the gate I was just at. I barely made my flight. It sucked.

So I'm at the Cincinnati Airport and by the time I get my laptop and get off the plane (I was at the back) I had less than thirty minutes to get to my new departure. Well, it was in a completely different concourse in which you have to take a bus to. How lame is that? So I missed my flight by about four minutes. I was so frustrated! Luckily they had another flight to Memphis that was leaving in an hour and a half. Not so luckily my luggage was on it's way to Memphis without me. Luckily I was able to grab a quick bite (only took two) and talk with Angela (my love) until it was time to board. Now I haven't done a huge amount of flying but I've done enough to know that when I walked down the gate to the plane I wasn't expecting the tiny little plane to be the one I was going to be flying in. The passengers actually had to walk out on the tarmac and climb the little fold-out stairs into the plane. It was TINY! There were twelve rows and each side sat two so the entire plane only sat forty-eight people! Did I mention how small it was? It was smaller (a lot) than a school bus. Not a short bus a normal length one for all my helmet wearing friends out there. So the flight was again a rough one but I did however manage to sleep most of the one hour long flight. I drooled on myself too. Hey I was fricken tired! So I was late getting to Tennessee (I swear when we landed we were skidding across the runway) and I was worried that I would have a hard time finding my bag. Lucky for me the baggage maintainece department or whatever it was had it just sitting there waiting for me which was nice. So I grabbed my bags, called Angela for a quick hello, good-bye, I Love You MWAH and I was out the door and in a cab heading for the place where the work needed to be done. I just wanted to go to my hotel room and crash (it was like five or six) because I had been rushing all day but nope, I had work that needed to be done. Finally, finally... around 11:30 I got to go to my room and crash. Did I crash? Nooooo, I pulled out my laptop. I'm such a geek. But soon, very soon I will crash.

I've been an asshole to Angela these last few days and to Angela I apologize with all my heart. I've been letting irrational thoughts and insecurities get the best of me and Angela took the brunt of it. I'm naturally quite an emotional guy and I do get insecure but this time I crossed the line. I think a big part of it is because I haven't seen her for a month now and we haven't had time to talk as much because we've been busy. I can't wait to see her on Friday and this weekend. I want to see her so bad! But Angela (if you are reading this) I'm so so sorry for being a jerk and asshole to you. Please forgive me. I love you (and miss you) so much. You are such a big part of me and when I go too long without that part of me it really sucks. I love you VBM & A+F! MWAHS!

For me... I pass out... NOW!

-mbh signing off...

Missing pieces of an incomplete picture...

There are things missing from my life... It was very apparent to me today.

I had somewhat of a meltdown at work. Okay, I had a complete meltdown. Bottled up feelings and frustrations that surfaced into an explosion. That's my passive aggressiveness for you. To make matters worse I already had a chip on my shoulder when I arrived at work today. Bitter feelings of getting shafted on my review, working my ass off for two years and having nothing to show for it, overworked and underpaid, etc.

When I got to work today I saw four of the guys on my team leaving to go get breakfast. Now the so-called rule is that two members of my team can leave at a time for ten to fifteen minutes. That way when we are slammed with support calls there are still people in the office to take those calls. This is a rule that is consistantly broken. No matter how many times I have talked to them and tried to enforce it, it is always broken. I have no authority to punish my guys so they basically do whatever they want. Hence some my frustrations at my team for abusing the rules and at my bosses for not giving me the powers a manager should have. Anyways, back to this morning... I walk in the office and the first thing I hear is "Where are your guys? They can't leave like this!" and so on and so forth. I've heard it a million times and there really isn't anything I could do even though it pisses me off. So the phones are ringing like mad and people are looking to me to "fix" the situation. A situation I can't fix because I haven't been given the authority to fix it. Twenty minutes later my team got back from breakfast. I stood waiting at the top of the stairs and when they got to me I exploded. I was screaming and yelling and let them have it. I flipped out. I knew everyone in the office had heard me. How could they not? And to be honest I really don't give a damn. After a few minutes of yelling at my team I went and sat at my desk. I was so angry that my hands were shaking and I could barely use the mouse on my laptop. About five minutes later my boss shows up at the door to my office asking me how things are going. He had just arrived at the office and didn't have the pleasure of witnessing my explosion. So he asks how things are going and the frame of mind I was in was to let him know exactly how things were going and have been going for a long time. We went into his office and I basically told him everything that is wrong with the company; sparing no details and holding nothing back. This was more than just me venting. This was stark truths and accusations of a company run the wrong way. I let the anger and emotions roll out of me like a crushing wave of pent up fury. I didn't care. It had to be done for my sake, for my sanity. I almost (almost) walked out of that office never to return. If it weren't for chatting with Angela I probably wouldn't have made it through the day. She has a calming effect on me. Still, I barely kept myself in check.

So how did it all end? Well, promises were made but nothing has yet to be resolved. However, I hope they will be shortly. I used to love my job. I was content. Now that happiness and fulfillment has gone missing. How did things ever get this bad? I'll tell you. People being ignorant and burying their heads in the sand. Not speaking up for themselves when they don't agree with something. I'm guilty of it and so is everyone else.

But not today.

---

I know I sound like a broken record but I miss Angela. Such a big chunk of me is missing when she isn't around. I need and want her in my life so badly. She balances things for me. Brightens my day. Makes me feel secure and happy. Things that I've never had or felt in a relationship before. I need her so much. I miss her so much! God I miss her! She completes me. All the pieces of my puzzle come together so perfectly with her in my life.

I love her so completely.

-mbh signing off...

The synchronicity of life...

When it rains it pours. Bad things have a way of happening all at once it seems. I've been feeling like I've been getting sick for the last few days and then it hit me today around 4:00PM. I'm just exhausted. I don't know if it is because I'm sick or if I've managed to wear myself down. Probably both. I left work early today and crashed. I slept from 6PM to around 3AM. I still feel like crap. The last week has just been rough. I haven't been sleeping well. Tossing and turning in my bed or staying up just doing nothing. Lying in my bed thinking too much perhaps. Then I've been going to work and the stress level at work has been way higher than it normally is. And to top it all off I got shafted on my two year review which has me thinking "Why bother?!" with everything. It has finally taken it's toll on me. I'm sure when I get up tomorrow morning I'll drag myself to work just so I won't get further behind than I already am. Even though I know I should take the day off to rest and set right my frame of mind about everything. Knowing my dumb ass I'll still go. Morale at work has hit a skid with pretty much everyone that has worked there over two years. We also know that it doesn't look to be changing anytime soon.

I'm burnt out.

I need a change.

I know that winter has that effect on me especially when spring is right around the corner. I'm ready for spring big time but I think it's more than that.

I miss Angela.

I miss her so much and I just want to be with her. I know that being apart from each other is just temporary and we are doing everything we can so we can be closer and together. Closing the gap is one of my top priorities. Last night Angela called me at around 5:30AM because she had a nightmare and couldn't sleep. It broke my heart that I couldn't be there with her. There is just something about being able to reach out and touch someone. It brings a comfort to you just knowing that someone you love is within arms reach. It makes you feel secure. There isn't a night that goes by where sometime during the night I reach out next to me and wish that Angela was there. It kills me to know that Angela needed me last night and I couldn't be there other than on the phone. I find some comfort in knowing that the miles between us is only temporary.

Well, it's late and I should really get back in bed.

-mbh signing off...

Short and not-so-sweet...

Ahh, the weekend. Wow, I didn't even work this weekend. No laptop, no going into the office, nothing! It's been a while since I've done that. What a lazy weekend. Just what I needed after last week at work. I haven't even showered yet today because I'm easy. Easy like a Sunday morning. However when I tried to take a nap today I wasn't able to. I just tossed and turned and eventually got out of bed and sat in front of my computer staring blankly at the screen. To be honest I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'd rather just have another lazy day. I'm not ready for the weekend to be over. However, I wish I could speed up the next two weeks because that is how long before I get to see Angela again. And damnit, I miss her. This will be the longest we've gone without seeing each other since we became serious. 1 month! 4 weeks! 30ish days! TOO LONG! By the end of this week I'll probably be going nuts.

I've been quite disappointed with work lately. I just reached my two year mark and I figured things would have progressed after 24 months but to be honest things really haven't. My job has become the thing in my life which is preventing me from progressing to where I want to be. And to be honest it doesn't look like that will be changing anytime soon. So I'll just have to figure something out so that I can start progressing and make up the lost time from these past two years in terms of my finances and my job.

Anyways, I really don't have much to talk about. I'm kinda tired and dreading the week before me.

-mbh signing off...

My Angel...

Thursday, well almost Friday in five minutes. Today was a pretty horrible day at work. I was supposed to be getting some help from a university in testing an upcoming product but it fell through due to some unavoidable issues. So that means my work load is going to be that much more. It was also my two year review. Talk about disappointment. I've been with the same company for two years and I'm making what I should have been making when I got hired. I've sacrificed and worked pretty hard to make that company successful but I haven't really gotten anything in return. I'm not trying to bitch about money or anything but I would just like to be compensated fairly for what I do. I'm extremely underpaid and it looks to stay that way for some time. And it isn't like the company isn't making any money, they are just spending it on things that are more important than employees. Some of those things I don't agree with at all.

I'm not going to turn this post into a bitch session about work because I have better things to think about and write about.

Like Angela for instance... anyone who reads this blog knows I love to talk about her and write about how much I love her and all that good stuff. It's great. It's a great feeling to know you are loved for being who you are. Just me. I guess it would be easy to love someone for who they are considering we met in a rehab clinic. It's not like I had a whole lot to offer her considering I was a heroin junkie coming off the dope, 135lbs. of nothing, completely broke, felony charges pending. Basically she fell in love with me when I was at rock bottom. She looked passed my past and all the horrible things I had done and saw me for who I really was. I actually wrote a poem about her when I was in rehab. Drop the last "a" from Angela and you get her true form. Here is the poem:

Angel

by

mbh

2.22.2004

.

...

Stripped of everything

Broken and torn

Trapped in the world

I was tired and worn

...

Empty inside

A shell of a man

An angel from heaven

You held out your hand

...

You picked me up

You gave me hope

You were there for me

When I was at the end of my rope

...

You opened my eyes

And helped me to see

What I wanted from life

And where I wanted to be

...

With a simple act of kindness

And a heart made of gold

You make me feel warm

When all had been cold

...

.

Well tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to treat it as such. I've got a beautiful girlfriend who loves me exactly like I want to be loved and our whole lives ahead of us. I know where my priorities are...

-mbh signing off...

Angela couldn't think of a title either...

Thank goodness for Saturdays and sleeping in! It was sooo nice being able to sleep in without having to get up for work. I did, however, miss waking up to my beautiful girlfriend. It snowed last night. So much for having a nice sunny and warm Saturday but it's not like it mattered because I was inside all day. I watched Trainspotting. Good messed up movie. Well, I kinda watched it. I mostly would watch it for 5 minutes then fast-forward it for 5 minutes then watch 5 more. I did that through the whole movie. I also moved a bunch of boxes from the garage down into the basement storage and unpacked a few more of them. I finally got my room all nice and organized. It feels good for me to have a nice organized room. I don't know, I just like things clean and tidey. I went through all the drawers of my desk finding all sorts of junk. I found an old Compaq iPaq PDA that cost me almost $500 about 7 years ago. I found letters and cards from Julie, Amy and even my very first girlfriend Rachelle. Why do I still have crap like that? I ended up throwing it all away because it's useless clutter and the last thing I need is more useless clutter (that's what my brain is for). To think I've been packing around letters from Julie for the past 10 years almost! Well not anymore. TRASHED. I still have a little more boxes to unpack, mainly books and CD's. I'll get around to that next weekend.

I was able to chat with Angela quite a bit today which is ALWAYS nice. We always have the coolest conversations. I love to swap stories with her and be philosophical. Sometimes we have deep serious conversations and then sometimes we have light-hearted chats. It's a great balance. She's the first girl I've been with who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with. Maybe it's because she is immensely more intelligent than any girl I've dated. I think so! Plus we can always laugh and have a good time whenever we're talking. In the two years I've known her we've NEVER run out of things to talk about and we have spent countless hours talking. It rules! We also played some cards for a bit and I let her win a bunch of times before we stopped playing (okay okay I didn't let her win... she kicked my ass). All in all today was lazy and productive! Wow!

Since it's getting late and I just wrote a blog entry yesterday (I think?) this entry is going to be short. Short but sweet.

WOOT! This is my 50th blog entry! I just realized! It only took me a little over a year to get 50 posts! Damnit all. Thinking of a title is the hardest part about writing in my blog. You wouldn't think it would be that hard but it is! Even ask Angela... she couldn't think of a good one either!

-mbh signing off...

BLOGS AWAY!!!

Greetings!

It's Friday night and I'm feeling a little more than wound up. Hyper-active if you will. Hyper-active and being a dork on the webcam with Angie-la The Hot! So here it comes, my big fat smelly pile of BLOG for your reading enjoyment!

Work:
This week at work was slightly almost productive. Almost. I spent the better part of my day today in meetings of some sort. Yay for meetings. Nothing really grand. I guess it's only been a few days since I was ranting about work anyways so it's not like I have a who ton to talk about as far as work goes. But hey, it's work right?

I Heart My Girlfriend:
Yay for a sweet and caring girlfriend! She is the most caring person I've ever met. When I'm not feeling so secure she squashes those feelings instantly. Instead of bitching at me for feeling that way and telling me that I'm stupid for feeling those things she reassures me and makes me feel a ton better about things. Even with 350 miles seperating us she still makes me feel loved like I've never been loved before. Angela is the most special and amazing person! She is also really funny! She is dorky and gross just like me! Yay! A match made in dork heaven. :) Seriously though, I can't ever say enough how much Angela ROCKS!

The weather:
The last couple days it's been SO nice here. Around 60's and sunny. I even was able to drive around with my sunroof open during the day. I like that. Of course though... tonight on my way home from work it was all dark and cloudy. Some storm must have moved in because the clouds were really low and there was fog. Yes fog. Fog + freeway = people driving 35mph. So it took me a little longer to get home from work. Damn the luck! But at least I was able to chat with Angela before she headed out for training. Soon spring will be here. SOON! That will be good.

Since I can't really think of much to write I'm going to end this while I still can. More to come tomorrow maybe.

Maybe...

Just maybe...

-mbh signing off