I have something gnawing at me that I need to get off my chest before I explode. Yesterday before I was getting ready to leave work I was talking with someone and they had a blunt observation of me. He said that he had seen me work and talk on the phone and had observed that I am always going out of my way for people and that I kiss everyones ass. He wasn't trying to be rude but it came across that way at first. He said he always sees me doing nice things for people and how I always go out of my way to help or be nice to people but yet no one ever returns the favor. He said he has heard me on the phone and the way I interact with my friends and people that call me. How I am always asked for help and that I never say no. He asked if I'm always this nice? What's funny is this isn't the first time someone has observed that I freely let people take advantage of me. He said that when someone asks me for help I drop everything I'm doing to help them but the times I ask for help I get brushed off. I know of the times he was referring to. He asked me when the last time someone did something nice for me without me asking or even when I had asked. I couldn't think of a single time yesterday. So of course I got all defensive and said that people get busy and I don't need people to be doing stuff for me. But it has been eating at me. I've been thinking about it non-stop. I do put myself out there. I can never say no when people need my help. I sacrifice myself all the time for what? What do I ever get in return for being so nice all the time? I've been thinking hard of the last time someone went out of their way to be nice to me (besides on my birthday) and only two things really stick out in my head: when my long time friend bought me a burner for copying him all my music and another long time friend bought me a movie ticket. They weren't asked or expected to do those things but they did them anyways which is cool. But come to think of it those two people have never taken advantage of me. Like real friends should be.
I think about all the stuff I do for people. Strangers and friends alike, people I interact with everyday and I really do a lot for people. I'm too nice. Do I feel that I need to be nice to be accepted? No, I just treat people how I want to be treated. But do they ever treat me the same way I treat them? I'm bothered by all this. Why do I sacrifice my time, my feelings, my money, my help and my support when I very rarely get anything in return. It's not that I require people to give me something when I do something for them, but I need to figure out where the line between being nice to someone and being taken advantage of is. In rehab they talked a lot about the "emotional bank". How when people are constantly making withdrawls and never depositing anything it will have a negative affect on you. They say you will become emotionally bankrupt if no deposits are made.
I lie to myself a lot. I bury my feelings and always try to put on a happy face.
I'm angry and depressed and I'm the only one to blame. I try to be an ass and I try to say no but it isn't in my nature. Why do I always focus on what other people want instead of what I want? Why does everyones happiness matter more to me than my own? Why do I give a shit what people think of me?
Shouldn't I be the most important person in my life?
-mbh signing off...
