Left me where I left off...

It's been a rough week. Just when I feel and think things are getting back to somewhat of a resemblence of my life I hit another skid. Traffic, work, doctors, x-rays, ultrasounds (yay for partial kidneys!) and more work. It took me a whole hour and forty minutes to get to work today. It usually takes 00:33:15:31 mintues to get to work. Of course there was snow. Yay for the fluffy white shit. However, lucky for me the parking lot at work was like a big ice skating rink! Brodies and donuts galore! Booo for Audi ASP. Anti-slip Protection sucks... floor the pedal and it just lets the front tires roll instead of kickin' in the turbo for some good speed for yankin' the e-brake.

On Tuesday I went to the Spanish Fork clinic which was really weird since I haven't been there since well... the year 1999. I rarely go down to Spanish Fork. I was standing in the snow looking across the street at the High School and it brought back a flood a memories. Some bad, some good. Mostly good I think. Something in my mind told me to let it go and let the past be the past. I try to avoid memories that are bad or otherwise make me feel sorry for myself. Not that I have a ton of anger toward SF or anything it's just that, well, thinking about certain past memories tends to throw me off. When I need to focus on the present. For example, after I left the clinic I turned south onto Main Street instead of North. For an instant I was going to drive to my old house on Cal Pac. I know that's stupid but for a few seconds I was back in the late 90's and everything that was back then. It's funny how people, myself especially tend to think "life was so much better back when..." Most of the time that is a total bullshit thought. Things usually aren't as good as you think they were. I think focusing on making new good memories should take precedence over dwelling on past memories. I have so much to look forward to. I've got more life to live than I already have lived. When I got home I laid on the floor of my bedroom thinking about from the time I graduated high school to the present. Mainly focusing on all the mistakes I had made. I thought "what if I could take it all back?" Right the wrongs and steer my life in a different direction. The whole "Chaos Theroy" came into play. Lessons I have learned and people I have grown to love would vanish from my life. For what? A future I would have had? Could have had? Should have had? It's all bullshit and fucks with my mind if I think about it too much. I know I'm supposed to be where I am even though I can point out all the dates and times of life changing choices I made from 1996 to 2006. Ten years of branching paths and unknowns. Unfortunately for me most of the choices I made were bad ones. What makes a choice a bad choice? Hell, most of the time I make a choice not knowing if it is good or bad. It usually takes years for the outcome of your choices to become clear. Even the most mundane decision can alter your life drastically.

-mbh signing off...

-Hindsight's a bitch.
-mbh

Ambien.. oh how I love thee...

I'm bored & not even slightly tired. Angela isn't feeling well (get well soon honey!) so she went to bed early. I'm figuring that I will write for a bit. Well, at least until my good friend Ambien C. Release stops by for a night cap.

I just finished reading every article about the Utah Jazz I could find. It sure is nice to see the Jazz kicking some ass all over the court. Since being a die-hard Jazz fan since the late 80's and having my heart torn from my chest still bleeding by Michael Jordan (curse you!) [twice!] back in the late 90's I'm way excited to see the Jazz playing good team ball. It will be scary to see them put together a full four quarters for some major ghetto ass whoopin'. In their last four games they have sucked for three quarters only to come from behind in the 4th to win. Down 16/Suns (W), down 16/Raptors (W), down 21/Kings (W) and most recently down 7 to the reviled Lakers (W). Kirilenko shut down Kobe in the 4th. Neener neener!However, it is still early in the season and the only games that matter are the ones in April and beyond. Enough basketball talk.

It's been nice having some days off from work. I've been struggling with work since I was moved to a new team and it has been a major stress for me. It was nice to have my hard work recognized by management and to be promoted but I haven't quite gotten used to my new responsibilities. This was expected by management since the team I work on is one of the most difficult and there is so much to it. However, I've taken it the struggles hard and personally. It's been two months since I was moved teams and yet I still don't feel like I'm contributing what I know I should be. Maybe I'm too hard on myself? God gave me two gifts, first and foremost: mad Tetris skillz and second computers. It pisses me off when I know I should be doing better. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself since I have been dealing with a lot of stresses in my life outside of work, and I mean A LOT! Now that things are getting back to normal I'm hoping I can put more focus into work and start to excel once again.

I'm still not tired...

Wait a sec... Ambien is that you? Ahhhh... thank you may I have another!

~mbh signing off...

Opinions & Rumours...

I don't need opinions and rumours ... I don't need a voice in the dark.

I don't need to listen to reason ... I don't need to tear out my heart.

I'm going to merge my two blogs. Since I only recently started writing lame things in my MySpace blog I'm going to mirror what I write into my original SoulMachine blog. I've been writing in my SM blog since '04 so I'm not going to copy the posts over to MySpace. If you don't know how to access my SoulMachine blog then that's just too bad.

Today was Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. In no particular order here are the things I am most thankful for:

My girlfriend, who better get her ass back here soon. Without her I would wander the earth alone (like the Incredible Hulk) and be lost. -xoxo

My family, who has stood by me through everything I could throw at them. Trust me I've put them through some pretty horrible things over the past years.

My friends, who have also stood by me through my self-induced trials and haven't judged me.

My resilience and determination, which never ceases to confound me how I can screw everything up and bounce back stronger than before.

Music, without it I'm sure I'd just sit in the corner mumbling nonsense to myself. Lately the genius of Gary Numan has really spoken to me. Dark, moody and heavy laden ethereal music which reflects what I've been going through. Thank God for iPod!

Writing, without being able to write I'm sure my head would have exploded from the lack of being able to express myself long ago. Yay for comp. notebooks.

My job, without it I'd be seriously screwed. Well... maybe not considering the recent HOT job market in Utah and the fact that people with 10+ years are commanding high-paying salaries. (Yay for money! The root of all things awesome, shiny and electronic!)

My Audi A4 ;), seriously though, without the freedom to to go 122mph down the freeway blasting Duran Duran the world would be a dull place. Thank God for traffic school!

There are so many things I'm thankful for I could seriously write 100 pages describing them. I'm glad that things in my life are once again getting back to some sort of normalcy after once again screwing things up. For having a superior IQ I'm sure retarded. Yay for humbleness!

-mbh signing off...

It's a choice not a disease!
-mbh