Eye of the storm...
It's March.
The month I think about that span over three years ago. Every February and March for the rest of my life I will probably think about it. How can I not? The worst of times. I think of the year and a half prior. September 9, 2002 to February 29, 2004. The only way I can describe it is like standing in the eye of a storm. I have never been in an eye of a real storm but I have heard it is quiet and calm while all around you the storm is swirling about causing massive amounts of destruction. For me the eye of my storm started out so wide that I couldn't see any of the destruction that was around me. I was calm and most definately numb but I knew it was there. I didn't care, I was safe and wrapped in a warm blanket of numbness. As time went on the eye of the storm got smaller and smaller. Constantly shrinking towards me but yet as long as I was in the middle I was safe, and even though I could see all the destruction and shit that my storm was causing to everyone and everything around me it didn't matter as long as I was numb. I HAD to stay in the middle. Not like I had a choice. I was trapped and I knew it. I also knew I was fucked. So there I stood in the middle of this storm. Months and months went by until I could almost reach out and touch the storm. It was a massive and violent storm. Consuming and destroying everything in my path. A path I couldn't deviate from. Then it happened. My security blanket of numbness was ripped from me and I was totally consumed by the storm and like a glass house in a hurricane I was fucked. Never in my life (and I do say never) have I wanted to die like I did then. Death would have been so much more preferrable and easy. I took the full brunt of the storm and it lasted what felt like years. It was the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever had to endure. Then the storm ended and I was left to pick up the pieces of my destroyed life.
If you would have told me on Feb. 3rd, 2004 that three years from now that I would be happy (for the most part), somewhat successful and most surprising of all... alive. I would have laughed in your face and said you were fucking out of your mind crazy.
Touche.
-mbh signing off...
The month I think about that span over three years ago. Every February and March for the rest of my life I will probably think about it. How can I not? The worst of times. I think of the year and a half prior. September 9, 2002 to February 29, 2004. The only way I can describe it is like standing in the eye of a storm. I have never been in an eye of a real storm but I have heard it is quiet and calm while all around you the storm is swirling about causing massive amounts of destruction. For me the eye of my storm started out so wide that I couldn't see any of the destruction that was around me. I was calm and most definately numb but I knew it was there. I didn't care, I was safe and wrapped in a warm blanket of numbness. As time went on the eye of the storm got smaller and smaller. Constantly shrinking towards me but yet as long as I was in the middle I was safe, and even though I could see all the destruction and shit that my storm was causing to everyone and everything around me it didn't matter as long as I was numb. I HAD to stay in the middle. Not like I had a choice. I was trapped and I knew it. I also knew I was fucked. So there I stood in the middle of this storm. Months and months went by until I could almost reach out and touch the storm. It was a massive and violent storm. Consuming and destroying everything in my path. A path I couldn't deviate from. Then it happened. My security blanket of numbness was ripped from me and I was totally consumed by the storm and like a glass house in a hurricane I was fucked. Never in my life (and I do say never) have I wanted to die like I did then. Death would have been so much more preferrable and easy. I took the full brunt of the storm and it lasted what felt like years. It was the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever had to endure. Then the storm ended and I was left to pick up the pieces of my destroyed life.
If you would have told me on Feb. 3rd, 2004 that three years from now that I would be happy (for the most part), somewhat successful and most surprising of all... alive. I would have laughed in your face and said you were fucking out of your mind crazy.
Touche.
-mbh signing off...
posted by mbh at 3/07/2007 11:23:00 AM
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